None of the following events actually occurred… Or did they?
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LOCAL MAN GETS RUG PULLED OUT FROM UNDER HIM BY LOCAL ROGUE NEWSPAPER
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Ed. Note– the following article has been edited slightly to protect the interests of the interviewed.
A local student, who requested he be referred to as Frederick H. Cocacola, claims that he has had the rug pulled out from under him by the Rowan on the Record staff. “I got the […] rug pulled out from under me”, H claims.
“I had mentioned in passing that I could maybe write some [fake] news articles for those UPSTANDING LADIES AND GENTS, but I didn’t make any promises! Then that EXCELLENT editor-in-chief hits me with an entire section and a Sunday deadline! What a bunch of OKAY PEOPLE!”
Despite the hardships involved, H says he will do his best to live up to the fledgling paper’s expectations and “mindlessly PRODUCE some QUALITY STUFF”
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LOCAL ROOMMATE’S FRIEND VISITS, IS RELATIVELY IRRITATING TO BE AROUND
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Cassius Granmeal is a local pianist, student, and freelance savior. You have probably heard about him in his audio documentary, “How One Man Conquers Those Who Are”. However, his heroism was nearly overlooked by his bros and disciples last saturday (02/20/10), when he invited over a compatriot from his homeland to come and visit the kingdom which he almost certainly commands (many a conspiracy theorist insists that Cassius Granmeal is in league with the Reptilians whom rule us all from behind the curtain, but Dan and his entourage refuse to comment on this subject).The man’s name was (as far as you know, anyway) Raiden Eyestone, and he was politely described by another witness as “intense”.
Though their dedication to their hero-for-hire was strong, it did not take long for Cassius’s trusted underlings to take their destinies into their own hands around the wretched creature that Cassius made his right-hand man for the night. Carolyn Jellybones, artist and comrade of Cassius, had this to say on the subject: “…He came in, played his guitar very loud, told us we should all get drunk and have the night of our lives, and then ensured us that he would quote ‘break everything’ [in the apartment] upon arriving back again” This is when Carolyn first began to feel uneasy about this visit.
Cassius, Raiden, Carolyn, and two other disciples went to the student center for dinner at approximately 9:30PM EST. It was upon finishing their food that Carolyn conspired with the two disciples who will henceforth be referred to as Deepthroat and Mr. X), and they agreed that an escape would be their only hope. And so, on their way back to the apartment, something drastic happened. As the party arrived at the crossroads, one leading to a dreary night of abrasive comments and a slow descent into alcoholism, the other leading to sanctuary and videogames, Deepthroat produced a hand pistol (a pistol, formed by his thumb and index finger being at a 90 degree angle), counterbalanced by his perpindicular left forearm.
Carolyn and Mr. X sided with Deepthroat, with Cassius and Raiden on the other side of the barrel, perturbed, but attempting to laugh it off, as if it were some kind of joke. It was no joke. “this is no joke,” Deepthroat announced. “don’t anybody fucking move. This is not a test.” “Oh, c’mon [Deepthroat],” Raiden exclaimed, still trying to pal up. “Stay where you are. I’m in charge here now. We’re gonna leave now, nice and quiet. Just don’t make any sudden movements, and everyone gets to go home without any holes.” Cassius wisely stayed quiet, offended by the rudeness of his comrades’ gesture, but perhaps with a deeper understanding of their decision. Raiden, eyes clouded with disbelief, stood silently as the three backed away slowly towards their fortress.
Looking back at the event, Cassius said the following: “I was hurt […] I was mostly irritated that, in their dishonesty towards me, my disciples led me astray, far from my destination and close to theirs. They could have just told us sooner that they were aborting mission.”
“I was scared”, said Deepthroat when questioned.
In the end, Cassius and his manservant returned home later in the night, having failed at finding alcohol nor pleasure. Later on they jammed, and the three abandoners eventually just fell asleep.
“I don’t even want to talk about it really,” claims Cassius. “It’s water under the bridge.”
**Names have been altered in order to protect the identities of the victims.
